My heart hurts, my heart hurts every time I disappoint him. Every time I let my emotions get to me I hurt him too. I'm sorry Kevin. I love you with all my heart and I am trying to change and I know it doesn't look like it. It is a constant fight within myself when I get insecure. Just know I love you so much and don't give up on us….i won't.

Kevin and I sort of spent our first Thanksgiving holiday together! Kevin drove in late Wednesday night and spent the night with me and then headed to his parents house for Thanksgiving. I had my Thanksgiving at my house and then drove to GA to Kevins parents house. I got there and Matt and Twesh were there as well as both of his parents! But most excitingly the new puppy Molly. She is so cute! I fell in love with here as soon as I laid eyes on her! We went over to Tweshs parents house to drink some wine and hang out! I got to meet Kevins friend Nicole she stopped by with her boyfriend and stayed and chatted for a little while. They left and we started looking at the sale papers. It felt like it was super late, but really wasn't we were just all ready for our Thanksgiving sleep coma! The next day we had a lazy morning in the house and slept in. Of course Ike made us a great breakfast! Before we knew it, it was time for lunch and I got to meet Kevins grandfather and his grandfathers brother. We had another thanksgiving lunch and it was super yummy! After lunch we hung out and played with the puppy. Laying on the couch I started to not feel very good. I had a lot of sinus pressure and pain and before I knew it I was full on sick. :( I tried not to let it affect me and kept on. Ike made us chili for dinner and then we went and saw the Hunger Games, Catching Fire. It was really good but I couldn't focus very well because I was sick. The next morning Kevin, his parents, brother, and I went to Ihop for breakfast. We ate then headed back to the house to chill for a little while. Then we headed to my house. Driving separately which kind of sucked. I had to stop and get gas and my sweet Kevin parked his car and walked over pumped my gas for me and washed my windshield so I wouldn't have to stand out in the cold! Such a sweet man! When we got to my house we dove into some left overs! We hung out for a bit then headed to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner and some beer. We got home and drew had already thrown the steaks on the grill and dinner was about ready. So I got a dinner with Kevin, Weslee, Drew, Mason, Mom, Dad and my Mama I was a happy girl! So much love. After dinner mom and I got the christmas tree up and I helped put the lights on and mom put the ornaments on. Kevin noticed I was getting a little overwhelmed and having anxiety so he whisked me away to my room to let me relax. He is so good to me. We ended up watching the movie Heat in bed just the two of us which was great because we hadn't gotten much one on one time together this trip. The next morning Kevin and I went and got Ihop for breakfast and just spent time holding hands and being happy together. Before I knew it, it was time for Kevin to head back to base. For whatever reason I couldn't hold it together saying goodbye and he just held me and let me be a big baby crying in his arms. I decided that I was going to come see him in two weeks because a month is just a little to long for me to go without seeing him. I miss him so much already! 

These past few weeks have been kind of rough for Kevin and I. It hurts so much when we aren't quite on the same about things. And my anxiety and jealousy hasn't helped matters. I just pray we get back to where we were. Or better yet better than we were because we got through this hard time. I'm looking for a good outlet, but I haven't found one yet. sigh. I really just want things to go back to normal. It hurts so much being like this and feeling like this. Kevin has been so busy lately and he hasn't really made much time for me and when he does he is too tired to even talk. It makes me so sad…. I just want to be the girl he wants to talk to at the end of the day and I'm not and it sucks. We lost our simplicity now we are confusing. I feel like he has zero patience with me and all I want is to explain and that just pushes him away. And some how somewhere we are just missing the mark and its causing arguments and constant fighting. I'm starting to think we just need some space apart from each other. So we both can remember what it is we love so much about each other. What parts of each other we don't want to live with out. Things we miss the most and focus on that. Just focus on being happy we have each other again not taking anything for granted. Now that I am able to think a little clearer I don't think its 100% this new girl in his life. I think it was just a trigger for the things in our relationship that need work. I need to feel needed, and he is so independent he doesn't need me. He doesn't need me to be just fine in his life. He could go on without me and be just fine. He doesn't need me, but I need him. So I guess this new girl has brought out my insecurities and showing me I need a little bit more from him, I don't want him to just be okay with me pushing him away. Feels like he is just done trying to understand for me. idk more later on the subject. Spewing my mind on here is better to him because he hates this kind of stuff and it pushes him away and makes him resent me. awesome.

This weekend I went to see Kevin for no other reason than I missed him and we needed to see each other. I had a low week with to much going on and we lost some of our communication. We need some  "us" time. So we planned a weekend with absolutely no agenda. I got off work on friday around 5:00 PM and left ASAP. I ended up getting to Cherry Point around 12:30AM and I met Kevin at the Hampton Inn I always park my car at because we stay on base and I can't drive on base. We got back to the hotel and went right to bed. The next morning I wake up to Kevin making me breakfast! He made bacon and eggs, what a sweet man! We ate together and got ready for the day taking our time just enjoying our time we have together. We decided to go into New Bern to the farmers market. We walked though hand in hand being all cute and in love. We came across a bee keeper selling some of his honey and he had some bee's in a little hive thing he was showing everyone what goes into keeping bees. Kevin seemed to be kind of interested or rather it was pretty cool to learn little things we would have know idea they existed. I got distracted by the actual honey, because I love honey, and ended up buying two honey straws. We wandered around a little more eating our honey straws. Got to see a mini horse, goats, chickens, rooster, baby pig, and a turkey. We explored New Bern more and went into a little book store. We reminisced in the kids book section, I started reading a little bit of a Junie B. Jones book and Kevin thought it was funny! After that we headed to Morgens Tavern for drinks. I got a cocktail and Kevin got a big Porter. We also ordered a spinach artichoke dip and honey croissants! It was delish! We walked back to the car being silly.... I was enjoying my little buzz from my cocktail. Then we headed back to the hotel. We stopped and picked up a few things to make for dinner and picked up a movie. We got back to the hotel settled down and watched the movie, which was a horrible movie. But during the movie I started to get a head ache. I thought eating would help so Kevin made me pork chops, with sautéed onions, squash, and zucchini. It was so good! We hadn't realized we were so hungry. After I made myself some hot chocolate and we watched tv for a little while. After a while my head started hurting even worse so I asked Kevin if we could turn the tv off and try to fall asleep. We did and Kevin fell right asleep and I feel asleep for about an hour. I woke up in the worst pain I'd ever been in, I was experiencing my first migraine. I waited as long as I could to wake Kevin up but I didn't know what to do. I called my mom and she said migraine meds and a washcloth for my head. Kevin jumped on it heated a washcloth up for my head and ran to walmart to get me meds and a coke. Did I mention it was about 3:00 AM!! What a sweet man! He got back and I took the meds he heated the washcloth up again and finally I fell asleep. I woke up feeling back to normal the next morning. We slept in because of the craziness from the night before. We started getting up and realized we need to hurry because it was 11:00AM and we had to check out at 12:00. After we showered and got packed up we realized it was day light savings and we got an extra hour! Kevin was so cute he instantly got excited and bounced around saying we get another hour together! He was being so cute, I love him so much! So we headed out to Morehead City for lunch. We went to a restaurant called the Ruddy Duck Tavern. We had a great server that sold us both on a special and two good beers! We drank our beers on the dock before our food came. Kevin ordered a pumpkin grits with shrimp and bbq! I had a monster burrito with pico de gallo and quacmole on top! It was so good! I powered through half of it and Kevin was so excited cause that means he got to take the other half home! We ended up getting dessert and argued over key lime pie or banana cream pie. I won with the banana cream pie! And Kevin ended up being really glad I did! It was so good!! After that we headed to the beach and set up chairs and enjoyed being out there. I made a mini sand castle and kevin made fun of me it was so great. The weather was perfect! I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day with him. But before I new it I had to start the long drive home.

Looking at beautiful houses with beautiful views in Seattle, what I would give to just get up and go. Even though I'd probably never be able to afford one of those beautiful houses, but I could be happy in that beautiful area. But so much of my life is here, I don't ever think I could ever leave. Although its fun to imagine myself there.

1. puppy breath
2. roller coasters
3. when someone says they are proud of you
4. pay day
5. snow
6. good morning messages/ texts
7. my room after I clean it
8. baby toes and fingers
9. warm water on cold feet/hands
10. cracking glow sticks
11. catching someone smiling to themselves
12. the sun on my face
13. extra long hugs
14. getting a 100 on a test
15. swimming at night
16. snuggling on rainy days
17. when people are protective over me
18. getting lost in a book
19. finally seeing someone i've missed
20. unintentional puns
21. freshly shaved legs
22. crackling firewood
23. fireworks
24. back rubs
25. buying the perfect gift
26. great teachers
27. sand between my toes
28. love from my dog
29. making a reference and someone gets it
30. first warm day of the year
31. the smell of yummy food cooking
32. smell of the ocean
33. knowing the answer to a question no one else does
34. tears from laughing so hard
35. full moons
36. moment before a kiss
37. hand written note
38. getting fancy
39. wrapping a present perfectly
40. being truly thankful on thanksgiving
41. taking a great picture
42. crunchy leaves
43. crossing something off my bucket list
44. getting my hair brushed
45. barefooted in the grass